Making Peace, Not Just Keeping It

When Rachel and I first got married, I think we believed peace meant not fighting. If things were quiet, we assumed things were fine. But over the years (and especially through some honest therapy) we learned that real peace isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s something you build together, often right in the middle of tension.

One of the most helpful tools we picked up along the way was a simple framework for understanding our instincts in conflict: toward, away, against.

Each of us tends to lean in one of these directions when things get hard:

• Toward — choosing the other person, sometimes at the expense of yourself

• Away — stepping back, either to process or to avoid

• Against — moving forward with energy, ready to argue your case

None of these responses are bad on their own. In the right moment, each one can be the healthy choice. But in our early marriage, we didn’t understand our defaults at all.

Rachel is naturally away-toward. She steps back to find her bearings, then moves in with care. I’m against-away. I tend to push hard at first and check out later. You can probably imagine how that played out. She stepped back; I pushed harder. Eventually she’d give in, and I’d think I had “won,” even though nothing had actually been resolved.

It took us a while to realize that the quiet we created wasn’t peace, it was just avoidance. And avoidance doesn’t heal anything.

This framework helped us slow down and ask better questions:
Am I reacting out of instinct, or responding with intention?
Is this a moment to move toward, to step away, or to engage with courage?

Having shared language didn’t fix our marriage overnight, but it gave us a way to name what was happening between us. And once we could name it, we could change it.

Twenty-five years in, I’m grateful for that gift. Real peace isn’t fragile, and it isn’t silent. It’s made through honesty, curiosity, and the willingness to grow together.

Watch the full 6 minute clip here: 👉 YouTube

You can also read the full written reflection on my Substack: 👉 Substack