Forgiveness and Boundaries: Holding Grace and Ground Together

When Forgiveness Gets Complicated

Forgiveness is a big deal. It's clearly something Jesus calls us to, again and again, as a fundamental practice in our lives. But what do we do when the person who needs forgiving is also someone who's hurt us deeply—maybe even repeatedly? What happens when we find ourselves entangled in toxic relationships where forgiveness feels impossible, maybe even unsafe?

This is where the conversation gets real. Because forgiveness isn’t always about what the other person deserves. In fact, Jesus' call to forgiveness assumes that sometimes the other person hasn’t earned it. And still, we’re invited into this costly grace.

What Forgiveness Is—and Isn’t

Now, it’s important to clarify what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not condoning. It’s not forgetting. And it’s certainly not ignoring consequences for harmful behavior.

Forgiveness is a refusal to let anger, frustration, or pain define us any longer than necessary. It’s about liberation—ours. Forgiveness is ultimately for your good. It unhooks your identity from the harm done to you.

But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t care for ourselves, too. Holding forgiveness and self-protection together is part of spiritual maturity. It’s not either-or. It’s both.

Jesus on Toxic People

Interestingly, Jesus speaks directly to the reality of toxic relationships. At the end of Luke 6, he says, "Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you."

Here’s the thing: for followers of Jesus, we never get off the hook. We don’t get to hate. We don’t get to define ourselves by the harm someone else does. But we also don’t have to stay within reach of that harm.

There’s a kind of protocol embedded in Jesus’ words—a way to manage relationships as they become more damaging:

• If someone dislikes you, try kindness. Let your actions speak. Maybe their perception changes.

• If they curse you—if they malign your reputation—then it may be time to step back. But still, don't curse in return. Speak well, honestly, and perhaps from a distance.

• And if they mistreat you—if they cause active harm—this is the moment for stronger boundaries. Maybe you need to remove yourself entirely. But you don’t retaliate. You don’t become them.

Instead, you pray. Maybe your prayer is as simple as, "God, this is in your hands now."

Forgiveness With Boundaries

Forgiveness doesn't require naivety. It doesn't ask us to abandon discernment or grant unlimited access to people who continually hurt us. Forgiveness, in Jesus' frame, is a way of choosing the future—your future, their future—over the wound.

So no, forgiveness doesn’t erase wisdom. It doesn’t demand you forget what someone has shown you about who they are. But it does invite you to refuse to let their mistakes define what's possible tomorrow.

And maybe that’s what redemption really looks like—when we learn to hold grace and ground together. When we can pray even while we walk away. When we bless, even as we build the boundaries we need to be well.

Because in the end, forgiveness is freedom. And freedom is always worth the work.