Friendship Is Better Than Sex?

There’s a curious moment in 2 Samuel that has sparked more than a few conversations—and debates. In the aftermath of Jonathan's death, David mourns his best friend and says, "Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful even than that of a woman." It's an incredibly vulnerable moment, and it raises questions. Were David and Jonathan just "bros"? Or was there something more?

But maybe the most important question isn't about the nature of their relationship—it's about what their relationship teaches us.

Slappin’ the Bass: Intimacy in a Culture That Avoids It

Remember that early 2000s comedy I Love You, Man? The whole premise revolves around a guy realizing he doesn't have a close male friend to serve as his best man. What follows is essentially a rom-com disguised as a buddy movie. The punchline? Men don’t often say, "I love you," to each other.

And yet, friendship—real, rich, committed friendship—is a vital form of love. Research even tells us that the little things we do for our friends (sending memes, reacting with emojis, responding to messages) are powerful signals of connection. These are not trivial gestures; they are digital affirmations that reduce uncertainty and reaffirm closeness. In a way, they are modern prayers of intimacy.

Reading Ourselves into Scripture

When we encounter David's words about Jonathan, it makes sense that queer theologians may read themselves into the story. And why not? That’s part of what it means to read scripture deeply—we bring our full selves to the text. But there is nothing inherently sexual in the Hebrew used here. The word ahev, translated "love," is used across the Hebrew scriptures to describe all manner of personal relationships: between friends, family members, even toward God.

In Hebrew culture, ahev is personal and intimate. But it is never casual. You won’t find ancient Hebrews talking about how they "love tacos." Love, in that sense, was always deeply human, never trivial.

The Art of Intimacy

So what if the point isn’t to decode the precise nature of David and Jonathan’s bond, but instead to recognize it as a model for intimacy? Their love transcended the transactional, the performative, even the romantic. It was loyal, emotional, and ultimately, deeply life-giving.

That kind of friendship is something all of us, regardless of gender or orientation, can learn from. And in a world that often reduces intimacy to sex, the example of David and Jonathan reminds us that emotional vulnerability and spiritual closeness can actually run deeper.

Perhaps the best friendships don’t just complement romantic or sexual love—they deepen them. David says Jonathan’s love was more wonderful. Maybe that’s not hyperbole. Maybe that’s what it feels like to be truly known.

And perhaps, if you’re lucky enough to say that about your closest friendship—or about your marriage—you’re closer to the divine than you realize.